When your girl hits you up asking you to share your story and you go, “Which one? I have so many stories.” So, I dug into my well and realized most people know the poet me, but a lot of people don’t know the other side. For example, until 2015 people didn’t know that I was in an abusive relationship for two years. Or how in 2015 I was EVICTED and homeless a couple of times. Or how in 2016 I found myself homeless... AGAIN. People only saw the woman who smiled, was quirky, and seemed to have it all. It was then that I found who my real friends were. The friends who’d reveal your secrets, the ones who’d label you as victim, the ones that’d kick you out with no place to go, the ones who’d talk about you but their voices would float through vents, but also… The friends that were there when you least expect it. The friends who you could call when you really needed them. The friends who'd offer their couch or shoulder or laughter. The friends that didn't look at you and see the image you projected, but see that you weren't eating and had you. Again. Skirt! Let me not paint a picture of perfection ya’ll. My mistake was that I was not always the easiest friend to have. The sky was always falling. Drama always found me. I allowed it to come into the door, waved it over, and invited it to get comfortable. I took no authority over my own life. It was messy and tiring. I always moved (physically and mentally) never just committing to one thought or idea. The truth was that my trust issues ran deep and my fear of betrayal ran deeper. Now? I’m FEARLESS. As in, I don’t have trust issues anymore. Why? What happened? My faith. (Uh huh…) Okay, I packed up a U-haul, interviewed for jobs I never even tried to get before, and prayed. I know people say that, but what does that mean? It means that I called everyone I knew seeking council, but I wasn’t hearing anything that sounded right for me. My self talk was cheap and my prayers still let others dictate my future. I didn’t trust me, I didn’t trust them. I trusted God though. So, it was time to gain control by giving control. I didn’t do it in a church house.... I found it at a cell phone store. Where a little upgrade became a new mindset. A mindset of I CAN have, I CAN do, I CAN be, I CAN live, I CAN. (Oh so you free, free) Yes. Despite popular belief the answer wasn’t a voice of God saying, “My child...” with a set of detailed instructions. Nah fam, before me lay two options (both life changing and self made paths) and the wind nudged me to just walk forward toward either one. It was in that push to go, anywhere. To push myself. To be myself. To trust it wouldn’t end up in disaster if I stopped accepting it. I kicked drama out and moved houses. (New mind, who dis?) I stopped accepting other people’s truths and for once just listened to my own heart/spirit. I BECAME MY BESTFRIEND. I traded my “circle” for a village of 5 important people who are what I want to be or at least they have vision like I do. It doesn’t matter what people see. I can see the new me.
And she is B-E-A-utiful.
Sahara Sista S.O.L.S
Poet | Author | Blogger | Actor | Educator