The Journey-Journal of my former self


“Of self discovery”

It's interesting how words carry so much weight. A weight that pushes the very current expression of emotion to release in a persons physical action. Didn't know I could write my weight though. However, after writing a plethora of soppy prolonged emotional love/hate letters to a few good men or should I say potentials, I realized I had a knack for writing. Well, I would say I stumbled upon a type of therapy through a cycle of heartbreaks; on top of the many depressive journals of melancholic episodes of my life. No this won’t be a sequence of heavy somber life stories that leave you even more depressed about life than you did before you started reading. It's more of an holistic awareness through maturity. Don't get it twisted, this growth is a process. I'm not yet where I want to be, not even close, but I'm not where I use to be either and THAT I can write about. I believe we all have a story to tell. Some have deep revelations and others have many simple step by step, itsy peak moments. Whichever it is, it’s affirmation on how far we’ve come and someone needs to hear it. You never know whose life you could be saving. SOOOO here we go……

(P.S please excuse the language but I had to express my truth honestly)

I wanted to present myself in a popular fashion. A fashion that looked as if “I woke up like this.” A fashion where it looked as if “I KNEW” I was born confident, with high-self esteem, and with creative juices pouring from my veins. On the contrary, doing THIS would be a lie. I would be a hypocrite, a fraud, and a phony. It would be as vain and plastic as nice ass injections. It would prove to be nothing but something cool to look at exuding no real substance.

Fortunately…………………………I couldn't do y’all like that. I couldn’t cheat y’all out of witnessing the beauty of my smile without revealing the truth behind my once broken life. The real truth is life felt like shit at first. Confusion constantly ran my daily thoughts. I hated my environment! I hated some of the people I had to be surrounded by! I even hated the feeling of abnormality! I despised my life: shortcomings, mistakes, even my appearance. “Oh you’re so gorgeous”, “ Thank you!”, was more like “Oh you’re so gorgeous”, “Really?” My life felt like I was living in someone else’s body; like I had put on clothes I didn’t like but couldn’t take off.

I often times wondered why I had to get up and participate in this robotic cycle of life? Going to a school where I barely had any friends, going to church where I felt as if I had to be perfect to serve God, and back home to sulk. Don’t get me wrong, I have the most amazing, loving, and supportive family and friends, but at this time in my life loneliness was my closest companion. The fact was that I was warring with life and I felt like NO one understood. I gasped for something different so bad that it became tortureous to constantly participate in life’s daily routine. Not only was I physically exhausted, but I was mentally gliding through moment by moment on auto-pilot. I didn’t understand for the life of me what I was going through, and why I had to be the one to deal with it. I felt like a liability to myself and the people around me. People would see me, but wouldn’t see the shadow of my invisible pain, I was mentally withdrawn. Yep, Depression was a “motherfuck**.”

Now, going through an ever pursuing journey of healing, growth, love and acceptance I want to speak out. Speak up for those who are trying and struggling in silence. Give it a voice. There is an alternative.

I want to reveal me and allow you to reveal you. Let’s keep it real. No judgement here. I know people struggle and struggling is a part of life. So let’s get through it together. There will be hiccups, bumps and bruises along the way, but that’s the beauty of growing. Nobody wakes up and is there already. It’s not an overnight voyage. It’s slow and steady, sometimes sweet and sometimes sour. But it’s LIFE and everyday we wake up is another chance to try and get it right despite all the wrong attempts.

Let’s blossom, one petal at a time. Through laughter and tears we will set our troubles free without judgement, for “I AM YOU” and this is where we connect. Stay tuned!! Participate by liking, commenting, sharing, and emailing me if you want to be apart or want to be a guest and feature your story. MAKE SURE YOU STAY UPDATED ON MY LATEST BLOG/VLOG EVERY WEDNESDAY!!!! Let’s Get it!! *moonwalking off stage*

Live every moment of your journey for it prepares you for your specific purpose -Shunda